Beautiful Spam (Annotated)

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I received the following spam today. I enjoyed it so very much that I felt compelled to respond:

Dear Sharia¹,

[¹I’m not the Islamic canonical law based on the teachings of the Koran and the traditions of the Prophet (Hadith and Sunna), prescribing both religious and secular duties and sometimes retributive penalties for lawbreaking… but thanks for being so polite.]

I hope you remember Dante Lawrence from denver [sic] high school? Last month I had a big handicap. I was at home for three weeks, and I had time for my wife. Thats [sic] nothing special you will think, but for a hard working guy like me, it is a long time. After 2 days, she wanted me riding her. I’d try many times, but I could not get him hard!! I’d try another day, nothing.²

[²Sharity, may I just confirm that I understand you correctly? Your wife wants you to ride her- be careful! Back injuries can be very serious and excruciatingly painful- but your primary concern is getting Dante Lawrence “hard”. I presume you are referring to this gentleman’s penis, please correct me if I’m wrong. I’m afraid I don’t remember Dante at all, but that may just be because I’ve never been to Colorado. I’m also very sorry to hear about your handicap. Sometimes other people can be thoughtless or just plain cruel to those who have a disability-  FWIW “handicap” is considered a bit un-PC nowadays. It sounds like your wife could be more understanding in that regard, if you don’t mind me saying so. With you disabled, she may have to find somebody else to play horsie with, at least temporarily. Perhaps if you tell me what your handicap is I can help you in some way, or maybe you could apply for disability benefits if you are eligible for them.]

But then, after some research I found a solution:

[Dodgy link redacted]

Best wishes,
Sharity

Btw: Greetings to Danton³, I hope she is fine.

[³ I hate to be the one who has to give you the bad news, but Georges Danton is dead. He was arrested in 1794 and guillotined in Paris. His last words were brilliant, though: “Don’t forget to show my head to the people. It’s well worth seeing.” So typical of him! Remember the laughs we used to have during the Reign of Terror? He wouldn’t have liked you calling him “she” though; you know he used to hate that, even though it was mainly because your French wasn’t very good and you could never remember the correct gender for nouns.

I hope it’s not too shocking and upsetting for you to find out that Georges has died at a time when you obviously have problems of your own with your disability, your job which sounds very exhausting, Dante’s Lawrence pestering you for hand jobs and your wife’s constant demands for rides. Email me again if you want to talk it over.]

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Tom Selleck stars as Thomas Magnum, a P.I. enjoying life on an opulent Hawaii estate. Watch the ’80s classic online now!

[Thank you so much, Sharity, for reminding me of this brilliant show about a moustachioed gorilla and his sort of English or maybe he just went to Harvard boyfriend! I never knew that Magnum P.I.’s first name was Thomas. I can’t wait to tell everybody.]