Beautiful Spam III: “This is the carrot on a stick.”

Nine months on from my previous forays into spam land, I’m still finding it far too hilarious that New York’s hub of aggressively New Yorkish, new media, too-cool-for-school digitalism Rhizome still has a feed that’s absolutely riddled with spam, like some sad old BBS from the Nineties. I hardly ever see spam anywhere else but on Rhizome, these days. Obviously they’re too busy commissioning baffling applets that break everyone’s browsers to bother with anything so mundane and uncool as preventing their RSS feed being used as a spam hose.

I’ve removed the actual product names to avoid inadvertently encouraging or attracting spammers myself, but the recent crop of messages all contain references to blatantly bogus, vaguely science-fictional creams and tablets whose provenance and purpose is always conveniently vague.  One of them made frequent references to stem cells. If what they’re trying to sell genuinely has any stem cells in it, I don’t think I want to know where they came from. While I do personally know a considerable amount on the subject of stem cells because I used to work in a place that specialised in genomics and biotechnology, most sensible people will surely not need a background in Life Sciences to know that buying alleged “stem cells” off the internet and then rubbing them on your face and/or genitals is unlikely to have much effect.

There were several other dodgy products on offer, but I’ve replaced them all here with the phrase “Soylent Green” to convey the slightly tawdry and possibly immoral sci-fi sheen of these unsolicited CG word salads.

I always knew I could count on SOYLENT GREEN and, the other day, I was right. You should understand how SOYLENT GREEN will impact your life. This is the carrot on a stick.

We enjoy SOYLENT GREEN so much that we keep buying them. Well, my Pop sometimes expresses touching on SOYLENT GREEN “He that is master of himself will soon be master of others.” I actually wonder if the same logic does not apply to SOYLENT GREEN.

We have recently begain [sic] a significant alliance. The first step in that method is that you must know this. By whose help do ladies smoke out inexpensive SOYLENT GREEN? It won’t always be that enigma free. I use SOYLENT GREEN a good bit.

SOYLENT GREEN soon spread to small towns. Instead of using SOYLENT GREEN, why not do it by hand? I am sure that we have found that a zillion advisors are a bit afraid of SOYLENT GREEN because that is the least I can do.

What happens when SOYLENT GREEN does not work anymore? That ran off like a bat out of hell. Like my close friend tells me this germane to SOYLENT GREEN, “Neither a borrower nor lender be.” That was completely documented. The house was air tight. This is how I took a SOYLENT GREEN and found myself. I ought to get foot loose.

Sometimes SOYLENT GREEN doesn’t work out as well as you thought it would. I do use a SOYLENT GREEN that ravishes an ambience for a SOYLENT GREEN.

The factor apropos to SOYLENT GREEN is that few can get it. How can groupies discover the finest SOYLENT GREEN things? Well They’re thinking outside the box. That is not a sensible decision. I gather that gets us in the black. The die is cast because that is done. Ideally, at least I still have my intellect. It was a tremendous help. These teachers need this so much.

This is a shot in the dark. I’m barely keeping one day ahead of yesterday.

My favourite part is “this is the carrot on a stick.” Do you prefer the carrot, or the stick? It doesn’t matter, because the carrot is on the stick. Profound, and a very contemporary message I think…

I also like the fact that these spams are almost entirely constructed from clichés and stock phrases like “the die is cast”, “bat out of hell” and “thinking outside the box.” I’m guessing this is a side effect of real humans on the internet communicating mostly in clichés and stock phrases: the software can only scrape up whatever bits of English it finds and clearly it’s mostly finding hackneyed, lazy writing.