Has your mouth ever been inseminated by a squid?

No? Square. How frightfully dreary your life must be. I feel sorry for you. Everybody’s doing it nowadays, it being the accidental discharge of cephalopod sperm bulbs in the mouth. At least everyone is claiming it’s accidental.

Penetration of the oral mucosa by parasite-like sperm bags of squid: a case report in a Korean woman.

Yes, I know these aren’t squid. But I’m the sort of person who has images like this in their blog’s library, and it was a good opportunity to recycle it. See ‘Your bobo is ripe and full’ for more about this picture.

“A 63-yr-old Korean woman experienced severe pain in her oral cavity immediately after eating a portion of parboiled squid along with its internal organs. She did not swallow the portion, but spat it out immediately. She complained of a pricking and foreign-body sensation in the oral cavity. Twelve small, white spindle-shaped, bug-like organisms stuck in the mucous membrane of the tongue, cheek, and gingiva were completely removed, along with the affected mucosa. On the basis of their morphology and the presence of the sperm bag, the foreign bodies were identified as squid spermatophores.”

I’m a bit worried that biologists apparently don’t know what an organism is. A squid is an organism, squid sperm or squid sperm bags are part of that organism.

Two unusual cases of a foreign body in the oral cavity caused by eating raw squid.

“Foreign bodies are often encountered by otolaryngologists, but the oral cavity is considered a place where foreign bodies are rare because of its structural and functional features. We here present 2 cases with a foreign body in the oral cavity resulting from eating raw squid. In one of these 2 cases endoscopic examination revealed a gastric foreign body. The foreign bodies in the oral cavity were removed using forceps, together with surrounding mucous membrane. These foreign bodies were identified as sperm bulbs and discharging tube of sogittated calamary (Todarodes pacificus Steenstrup). Larva migrans of anisakiasis are to be differentiated from sperm bulbs; it is important to distinguish between the shape and size of the foreign body in our cases. If sperm bulbs are stuck in the oral cavity, it is necessary to remove them completely to ensure that inflammation is prevented. We stress the importance of checking not only anisakiasis but also sperm bulbs in humans who like eating raw squid.”

Thanks for stressing the importance of checking for squid sperm bulbs! The sperm bulbs are actually preferable to the anisakiasis and larva migrans mentioned here because these latter two things relate to parasitic nematode hookworms, which I am definitely not providing links for. I advise you to just trust me that if it comes down to a choice between a parasitic nematode infestation and a squid posthumously trying to make babies with your mouth, you’d  probably want to go for the tentacular necro-nookie.

Your task for the day is to work the word “otolaryngologist” into an ordinary conversation. If your normal occupation is researching squid who attempt to rape the inside of peoples’ mouths, sorry, but you have to pick another difficult word in order to play this game.

Stinging in the oral cavity caused by ingestion of the sperm bags of a squid: a case report.

“We present a case of stinging in the oral cavity caused by ingestion of the sperm bags of a squid. The patient experienced severe pain in her oral cavity immediately after eating raw squid. When she was examined at our hospital, we found that several small whitish spindle-shaped stings were stuck to the mucous membrane of the hard palate. A biopsy was performed, and the whitish stings were removed as well. We also performed a histological examination of the remaining part of the raw squid brought by the patient. The biopsy showed that the sperm bags of the squid had thrust into the squamous epithelium of the patient.”

That last line is the killer. There’s something horribly, Cronenbergianly beautiful about it. “The biopsy showed that the sperm bags of the squid had thrust into the squamous epithelium of the patient.”

Best title of the bunch coming up. It sounds almost like something you might order from a menu:

Two cases of oral-stings by sperm bag of squid. (… please. And the salad.)

“Two patients after eating raw squid complained of severe pain and foreign body sensation in their oral cavity. On consultation of a doctor, several small spindle-shaped stings stuck on the surface of the tongue and mucous membrane of the oral cavity were found. After all stings were pulled out, the pain was allayed and the wounds eventually healed. The foreign bodies were tentatively determined to be the sperm bag of Tadorodes pacificus. These cases suggest that fresh squids should be carefully prepared before eating them raw or “sashimi”.”

Best phrase here (after “Two cases of oral-stings by sperm bag of squid”) is of course “foreign body sensation in their oral cavity.” Some people pay good money for that kind of thing. Enjoy your next helping of calamari, my friends. It might also be enjoying you.