It’s not at all unusual for me to see things on the internet that make me wish they were a brilliant piece of satire instead of an actual thing that really exists. Unfortunately I must report that action figures of Hitler and other leading Nazis are definitely things that really exist. The subtly and charmingly named 3Reich* offers such a wide selection of evil warmongers and architects of genocide that there’s sure to be somebody who takes your fancy: choose from Hitler, Göring, Goebbels, Heydrich, Dönitz, Himmler or even Japanese luminaries like Ito Hirobumi because, hey, there were loads of brilliant atrocities perpetrated in Manchuria, Korea and China too you know! The site says “our product is for historic education purposes only, and is not intended to glorify, nor exploit the horrors and atrocities of war.” So make sure you appreciate Hitler for his art and for how much you can learn from him, and not for his atrocities, OK?
I was particularly taken by the lovely set pictured here, though. Note that the swastika is blurred out in the original photo; it’s not my doing. Everything’s fine now the swastika’s been censored, there’s nothing Nazi or in any way distasteful about the image at all apart from FUCKING HITLER DOING A PAINTING WHILE WEARING HIS BEST PAIR OF JACKBOOTS. What’s he painting here? Is that his living room? How did he do the painting anyway, when he’s only got those huge brushes, only seven colours on his palette and he hasn’t done any mixing? Is his oeuvre as bad as Paul McCartney’s or Jim Carrey’s? If you could go back in time and assassinate Jim Carrey before he did anything bad, would you? These photos are crying out for somebody to Photoshop the painting Hitler’s working on. Clowns? Puppies? A caricature of himself with a kangaroo body, à la Rolf Harris? Something in the style of Jack Vettriano? The bums and boobies of naked ladies?
If you’re not depressed enough already, see some more pictures from toy Adolf’s studio here.
Just about the only silver lining I can see in any of this is these figures being 1:6 scale, therefore roughly the same size as a Barbie or Ken doll and probably able to wear some of their clothes. It comforts me in some strange way to think of denuding these sad little Nazi psycho failure dolls and redressing them in frilly dresses and high heels.
* Apparently an attempt by the Hong Kong-based action figure manufacturer Dragon in Dream to put some distance between their main brand and a product line even they know is highly offensive, despite the fact that even their main range contains items that make the gung ho militarism of 60s/70s-era Action Man look like the height of political correctness.