Anyone who says that public libraries are obsolete or that semi-random, serendipitous access to printed books is not important any more is a bellend, simple as that. Without my local public library I would never have found out half the enlightening, useful and inspiring things I know. The internet is immensely valuable but it just isn’t the same. I’ll admit that what follows is quite esoteric, but you never know when you’ll need to make some fake brain matter. Perhaps I’ll do my long-cherished grand guignol theatre project some time soon.
These recipes come from a (surprise!) rarely borrowed book called Special Effects Make-up, published fairly recently by Methuen, translated from Danish. No, I don’t know why there’s a demand for home-made gore effects in Denmark either. There just is, OK?
“Brains
Mix the following ingredients in a bowl: mashed banana, liver pâté, porridge, rich cleansing lotion and a little gelatine… leave the resulting substance to thicken a bit after you’ve finished.
Vomit
Put a small portion of porridge in a bowl and add a few peas, maize and pieces of diced carrot. Then mix in a little syrup or soy sauce to make it darker. You can also add a little sugar to make it taste a bit better! The actor puts the mixture in his or her mouth with a tablespoon and spits it out again to simulate vomiting.
Pus and slime
Make slime out of glycerine, Vaseline and a little colouring, all mixed together. Clear liquid soap can also be used, running from the jaws of a monster, for example.
Mayonnaise quite closely resembles pus, suppurating pimples and other impurities of the skin. Apply it to the desired location with the tip of a spatula.”
(I hated mayonnaise before I read this, now I definitely can’t face eating it.)
“Semen
Mix raw egg whites with a little white watercolour paint or another kind of liquid, water-based paint.
Faeces
Make a very thick porridge and mix in soy sauce, gravy colouring, coffee, cocoa powder and other brown things. Mix it all well until you achieve the desired texture and colour.”
I think I’ve been to several restaurants where they were serving this stuff. Bon appetit, my friends. Semi related bonus video: Nigella.
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