Over the past few days many bloggers and even newspapers have gushed that Hello Kitty is apparently a “girl” and not a cat, although for no adequately explained reason she has a cat head. Maybe I’m sheltered, but I don’t know any girls who love to bake and have cat heads. She’s officially and canonically got no mouth, so why or perhaps more cogently how is she so enthusiastic about baked goods anyway?
What none of them have done is behave like a real journalist and really look into Hello Kitty’s background. And while we’re on the subject, newspapers and so-called professional journalists, WTF? This blog here is explicitly dedicated to silly stuff, and I don’t get paid for doing it. Hello Kitty possibly not being a cat isn’t current affairs or headline news by any stretch of the most overcaffeinated imagination. Nor is the Great British Bake Off. Stop looking at Facebook and do some proper journalism. There’s an army of raving barbarians who hate everybody that isn’t them, better funded and organised than some official armies, squatting on large parts of the Middle East and almost within spitting distance of Turkey. I mean the country called Turkey, although they’d probably also spit on your turkey dinner. A new Cold War or even a mini WWIII is bubbling under in Eastern Europe with Russia vigorously stirring the pot. We’ve probably already reached the point where it’s too late to do anything about global environmental collapse, for fuck’s sake. Leave the Hello Kitty stuff to the non-professionals.
The character’s corporate Sanrio biography page mind-bendingly mentions that she has a pet cat called Charmmy Kitty. Given that Kitty’s parents are George and Mary Kitty, how is Charmmy Kitty (who looks exactly like Hello Kitty except with a cat body) not related to them? Is she some kind of throwback relative, cruelly debased and treated like a pet? Call the RSPCA and child protection services, I think they’ll both be required. There is some precedent for this in the warped relationship between Goofy and Pluto. Both are apparently canines, but the latter behaves like a domestic dog and is treated as a pet (i.e. as a kind of property) while Goofy autonomously wears clothes, attends work, drives cars, and so forth. How did this situation come about, and why do all the other characters refuse to discuss or even acknowledge the issue?
Furthermore, “Hello” is evidently the first name of Miss Kitty rather than “Hello Kitty” being a grammatically questionable greeting.
Sanrio informs us that Hello Kitty is from “the suburbs of London, England.” Candidates include a few posh places like Richmond or Kingston Upon Thames, which is probably what they were thinking of, but also such delightfully kawaii locales as Barking, Dagenham and Ealing. In my own personal Hello Kitty mythos, though, I’m going to imagine Hello living in the suburban concrete shit bucket and leading democratically appointed crap town of Croyden. She regularly shops at Lidl. “THE FIRST CAPITAL CONNECT SERVICE TO. LONDON VICTORIA. IS. CANCELLED. DUE TO… DELAYS CAUSED BY AN EARLIER DELAYED TRAIN. WE APOLOGISE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE CAUSED.” Hello waits over an hour for the next train, drinking shit coffee. Even though she doesn’t have a mouth.
From the Sanrio site I also discovered that you can quite easily become the proud owner of an @hellokitty.com email address if you’re very, very sick.
Terrify AROUSE dates when you reply to their flattering messages– they can’t wait to see all the stuffed animals and dolls on top of your bed either! Impress the potential employer when you apply for that dream job! Prove it’s quite normal for a grown man or woman to have their email end with @hellokitty.com! Oh, the possibilities.