Nine months on from my previous forays into spam land, I’m still finding it far too hilarious that New York’s hub of aggressively New Yorkish, new media, too-cool-for-school digitalism Rhizome still has a feed that’s absolutely riddled with spam, like some sad old BBS from the Nineties. I hardly ever see spam anywhere else but on Rhizome, these days. Obviously they’re too busy commissioning baffling applets that break everyone’s browsers to bother with anything so mundane and uncool as preventing their RSS feed being used as a spam hose.
I’ve removed the actual product names to avoid inadvertently encouraging or attracting spammers myself, but the recent crop of messages all contain references to blatantly bogus, vaguely science-fictional creams and tablets whose provenance and purpose is always conveniently vague. One of them made frequent references to stem cells. If what they’re trying to sell genuinely has any stem cells in it, I don’t think I want to know where they came from. While I do personally know a considerable amount on the subject of stem cells because I used to work in a place that specialised in genomics and biotechnology, most sensible people will surely not need a background in Life Sciences to know that buying alleged “stem cells” off the internet and then rubbing them on your face and/or genitals is unlikely to have much effect.
There were several other dodgy products on offer, but I’ve replaced them all here with the phrase “Soylent Green” to convey the slightly tawdry and possibly immoral sci-fi sheen of these unsolicited CG word salads.
I always knew I could count on SOYLENT GREEN and, the other day, I was right. You should understand how SOYLENT GREEN will impact your life. This is the carrot on a stick. Continue Reading
"Obtain the eye." (Photograph ©Alistair Gentry)
[NOTE: The beautiful Sino-Japanese spambot narrative pasted below was received as a spam comment on my post about Philip K Dick and ‘The Man in the High Castle’, Wu Wei Wu. As with all great art, I think we can all relate in one way or another to this barely coherent story of a Kyoto ingénue who just wants to buy cheap silver jewellery from the internet, but gets caught up with the Yamaguchi-gumi yakuza (to whom she is evidently related), Russian mafiya, arranged marriages and some strange eugenic plot coming to fruition on an offshore gambling haven masquerading as a cruise ship: why is the maid described as “homozygous”? Why must Mieko determine who is a “decent jerk zygote”? It’s like an extract from the novel we might imagine William Gibson writing if he’d suffered some kind of massive brain injury and partially forgot how to speak English. Spelling corrected, spam links to buy crap from dodgy jewellery dealers redacted. Sorry.] Continue Reading
I received the following spam today. I enjoyed it so very much that I felt compelled to respond:
[¹I’m not the Islamic canonical law based on the teachings of the Koran and the traditions of the Prophet (Hadith and Sunna), prescribing both religious and secular duties and sometimes retributive penalties for lawbreaking… but thanks for being so polite.]
I hope you remember Dante Lawrence from denver [sic] high school? Last month I had a big handicap. I was at home for three weeks, and I had time for my wife. Thats [sic] nothing special you will think, but for a hard working guy like me, it is a long time. After 2 days, she wanted me riding her. I’d try many times, but I could not get him hard!! I’d try another day, nothing.²
[²Sharity, may I just confirm that I understand you correctly? Your wife wants you to ride her- be careful! Back injuries can be very serious and excruciatingly painful- but your primary concern is getting Dante Lawrence “hard”. I presume you are referring to this gentleman’s penis, please correct me if I’m wrong. I’m afraid I don’t remember Dante at all, but that may just be because I’ve never been to Colorado. Continue Reading