My mind on Ki-moon and Ki-moon on my mind

The best things in life are free / But you can give them to the birds and the bees / I want Ban Ki-money.

A few weeks ago the United Nations held a special meeting to award me $950,000. I know it may seem random and all too much to take in. Why would they do such a thing? Believe me, I felt the same way, but the email was sent straight from UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon’s personal Yahoo account so it must be legit. The UN has decided to “introduced this programmed” so as to abolish my poverty, and all I need to do is correspond with an African gentleman via his Japanese Yahoo account. Mr Emefiele uses a Japanese one because Ban Ki-moon is Korean, same difference… right? Also, boo to scammers. Mr Ban and his friend Mr Emefiele hate those guys.

Ki-moon really is making the world a better place, like he says. I can’t wait for my $950,000 ATM CARD.

More beautiful spam. You’ll see that I previously received a $10.5 million inheritance from the UN.

Shut up, you don’t know what real poverty is. I need that $950,000 on top of the $10.5 million I already had.

Attention: Beneficiary.

In regards to the recent meeting between the United Nations and the present USA government to restore the dignity and economy of the nations. Base on the agreement with the World Bank assistance to help in making the world a better place for all with by abolishing poverty.

We have been having meetings since early this year as to find possible means of eradicating poverty with the then secretary to the UNITED NATIONS. this email is to all the people that have been scammed in any part of the world, the UNITED NATION in conjunction with the present US government and world bank have agreed to compensate Scam victims with the sum of USD950,000.00 This includes every foreign contractors that may have not received their contract sum, and people that have had an unfinished transaction or international businesses that failed due to Government problems etc. Our investigation shows that a lot of people are going through stress and poverty as a result of scam, this why we introduced this programmed in conjunction with the World Bank as a means of eradicating poverty.

Your name is among those in our list and that is why we are contacting you, this has been agreed upon and has been signed. You are advised to contact Mr. Godwin Emefiele he is our foreign representative in Africa being responsible for immediate dispatch of your ATM CARD credited with the total sum of USD950,000, contact him immediately for your ATM CARD.

The ATM CARD have being credited and can be used in any ATM machine over there. Therefore, you should send him your full Name and telephone number/your correct mailing address where you want him to send your card.

Contact Mr. Godwin Emefiele for your Card:
Person to Contact
Name Mr. Godwin Emefiele
Email; [REDACTED]@yahoo.co.jp
Telephone [REDACTED]

Hoping to hear from you as soon possible.

Making the world a better place
Regards,
Ban ki moon
On behalf of the United Nations.

Beautiful Spam VII: Humanitarian Affairs

O Nigeria, land of bounteous unpaid inheritances and altruistic functionaries, you have made me a millionaire so many times over. An email I received recently:

Subject: Immediate Release of Your Unpaid Inheritance Fund.

United Nations

Coordinator Under-Secretary-General

for Humanitarian Affairs and Emergency Relief

1 United Nations Plaza New York, NY 10017 USA.

Dear Beneficiary,

I am humbly using this medium to notify you that your unpaid Inheritance, Lotto Winning OR Compensation payment of US$10.5 Million Dollars in Nigeria has been irrevocably approved to be release to you. We have assigned Keystone Bank Nigeria Limited to pay this US$10.5 Million to you as soon as possible. Your Payment Approval Number is UN1829738. Your US$10.5 Million will be released to you on a special method of payment called “ATM SWIFT MASTERCARD Payment”. This method of payment is designed by United Nations and Keystone Bank to make sure you receive the fund without disclosing your bank details to anyone over the internet.

The Keystone Bank will issue you an ATM MasterCard which you will use to withdraw this US$10.5 Million from any ATM Machine in your country. You are hereby advised to contact the ATM Manager of Keystone Bank Nigeria Limited, Mr. Osas Eke on his open access email: [REDACTED] @Gmail.com and send him your Payment Approval Number WB82973 enable him issue you the ATM MasterCard without any delays.

Thanks for adhering to this instructions.

Yours faithfully,

Valerie Amos

Coordinator Under-Secretary-General

for Humanitarian Affairs and Emergency Relief.

Thanks for taking the trouble to write, Valerie! I have a few questions, though.

1. You seem a bit unsure if the payment of US$10.5 Million Dollars in Nigeria is for an inheritance, for winning the lottery or for compensation. A relative died recently, he had a lottery ticket in his pocket and I sued the shopkeeper for allowing an anvil to fall on my relative’s head while he was buying a lottery ticket, so the payment of US$10.5 Million Dollars in Nigeria could be for any or all of these things. Please clarify.

Beautiful Spam (Annotated)

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

I received the following spam today. I enjoyed it so very much that I felt compelled to respond:

Dear Sharia¹,

[¹I’m not the Islamic canonical law based on the teachings of the Koran and the traditions of the Prophet (Hadith and Sunna), prescribing both religious and secular duties and sometimes retributive penalties for lawbreaking… but thanks for being so polite.]

I hope you remember Dante Lawrence from denver [sic] high school? Last month I had a big handicap. I was at home for three weeks, and I had time for my wife. Thats [sic] nothing special you will think, but for a hard working guy like me, it is a long time. After 2 days, she wanted me riding her. I’d try many times, but I could not get him hard!! I’d try another day, nothing.²

[²Sharity, may I just confirm that I understand you correctly? Your wife wants you to ride her- be careful! Back injuries can be very serious and excruciatingly painful- but your primary concern is getting Dante Lawrence “hard”. I presume you are referring to this gentleman’s penis, please correct me if I’m wrong. I’m afraid I don’t remember Dante at all, but that may just be because I’ve never been to Colorado.