Maybe one day somebody will explain why the people in tech advertising– especially white people in ads for east Asian companies– always seem to be deliberately portrayed as affectless, malfunctioning animatronic mannequins with a limited grasp of their own language (example 1, example 2). Surely the ideal user likes to see themselves as more human than their phone or gadget, not less? In this latest effort by what must be a Taiwanese company, judging by the surtitles and the reference to Taipei 101, an insane lady called Pretty Woman Smart Living talks to her finger like Danny from The Shining and never misses an opportunity to humiliate her boyfriend for his inability to do mostly pointless things with his phone. He should also stop cutting his own hair, or at least try looking in a mirror while he’s doing it.
(UPDATE: Damn, I killed it again. They’ve made the video private now.)
Amy Pretty Woman Smart Living can put on the blue light by conspiring with the palm of her hand (but doesn’t put on the red light, because that is a different thing and also an unwelcome, random reference to the lyrics of a song by The Police which would be distracting.) She can instruct her finger that she wants to watch Furious 7, which proves once and for all that she is mental. Not the finger thing, I mean voluntarily watching Furious 7. She can make a note to buy Coke via her hand because they’ve run out of Coke! It might have all been freebased and smoked by the person who signed off this ad for public release. I’ll assume they’re referring to Coca Cola but a cocaine comedown would explain the strange demeanour of these two. Her finger can find out that the nearest metro station for Taipei 101 is Taipei 101 metro station. Even if I was Siri or Cortana or something I don’t think I’d be able to answer the question “Where is the nearest metro station to Taipei 101?” without shouting “Obviously it’s called Taipei 101 station, shithead. Anyway, you live in Taipei, how do you not know this already?”
Oh, I jest about her being insane. Although she is clearly not the full shilling and her partner seems too stupid to work a doorknob, PWSL owes her lifestyle prowess not to incipient schizophrenia but instead to a special high tech (?) ring. The ring is called Aring. It’s not called a ring, although it is also a ring. Aring. A ring called Aring.
Where’s my Aring? Your herring? No, Aring. What do you mean, where’s a ring? No, Aring. I’m looking for Aring. I get that you’re looking for a ring. Stop saying that. Yes, Aring. I know, but I can’t help you unless you tell me which ring. Aring. Fuuuuuuuuu–
You may enjoy this badvertising even more when you know that in Britain, “ring” or “ringpiece” is slang for an anus. Of course there’s also this Ring, something that a sensible person would probably consider before naming a product involving communication with invisible forces: