Oh, hello… you just caught me using the facial exercise products that play a large part in my reputation as a porcelain-skinned beauty. Let me just pop in my Pupeko Anti-Aging mouthpiece while you look at some more
bizarre quack beauty aids targeted at the gullible useful products like this “Facewaver“.
If wearing a pink balaclava and screaming AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hasn’t smoothed out your wrinkles (hideous, wizened old monster that you are), why don’t you try this Kogao (exclamation mark!) Double Face Mask? “Kogao” means “small face”, which is apparently a desirable thing although I’m not sure how you’d actually attain a small face by using it. The real benefit of this product is that even if you still have crow’s feet, at least you’ll look like some kind of superhero. You could foil a bank robbery or something.
OK, brace yourselves for the utterly inexplicable, faintly terrifying and Muppet-mouthed Faceslimmer. At least, I assume they mean it to be “Faceslimmer” as in it slims your face, even though all the Japlish references to it say “Faceslimer”… which is a totally different thing that the Japanese have specialised magazines for. Isn’t Slimer the chap from Ghostbusters? I always wondered who or what he could possibly be the ghost of, since all the other ghosts looked more or less like a deceased human being. But I digress. It’s time to get our faces slimed.
Kuwaete Sukkiri Tongue Exerciser: it tastes of grapefruit. Of course it does. If you’re feeling that these things have non-specific but distinct pornographic undertones, you are not alone.
I think many of these products and images are haunted by the spirit of Georges Franju’s poetic, dreamlike quasi-feminist horror film Les Yeux Sans Visage, (still at top of page) in which a sadistic patriarch subjects his disfigured, imprisoned daughter to a succession of failed face transplants– faces he’s obtained from other beautiful women he’s abducted and murdered for that purpose. How about that for a highbrow coda to a post making fun of stupid beauty products? Note that the video below summarises a few key scenes from the film, so don’t watch it if you’re the kind of big baby who whines about spoilers for films that came out fifty years ago.