Smutty Letters of James Joyce: Stephen Hawking Version

"YOU KNOW HOW TO GIVE ME A COCKSTAND."

I definitely don’t think that people with disabilities are funny or that Stephen Hawking is laughable.

However, hearing James Joyce’s sexy, obscene letters to his Mrs read out in a robot/Hawking voice is hilarious. Try it. If you have a Mac I suggest using the voice called Fred, AKA the Radiohead ‘Paranoid Android’ voice. Select the text you want to hear, go to the Services menu and choose Speech>Start speaking text.

It’s probably the most profoundly unarousing thing you will hear all week, although having said that I’m sure that rule 34 of the internet applies as much in this instance as it does in every other case. I’ve no doubt whatsoever that somewhere out there are Hawking cosplayers and slash writers, or perverts who get off on the idea of a randy but terminally bored Dalek with Tourette’s Syndrome, which is what the Mac’s Fred voice sounds like when he/it delivers deadpan readings of lines such as “my little whore tells me she wants me to roger her arseways and wants me to fuck her mouth and wants to unbutton me and pull out my mickey and suck it off like a teat.”

Yes, I did spend most of Sunday afternoon listening to dirty talk from a century ago being read out in a robot voice… and laughing, a lot. LET ROBOT JIM COME INTO YOUR SWEET WHORISH EARS, YOU DIRTY LITTLE BLACKGUARDS.